Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
