I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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