I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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