im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
