im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
