I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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