a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
