Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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