just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
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God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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