thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
