I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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