So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize