i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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