shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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