This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
