We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
