Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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