my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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