Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
