clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Randomize
