Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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