A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
