theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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