Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
