You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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