Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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