Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
