The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
