After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
