A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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