Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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