Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
