someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am available for nakedness
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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