Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
