im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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