walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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