I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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