Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
