Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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