he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
