I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
