90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
