Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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