I wish my penis had an off switch
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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