nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
