The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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