Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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