hotel room ftw
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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