my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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