for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
