I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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