dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
