you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
