Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
