I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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