Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
