What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
