ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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