dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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