Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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