i think my tv is drunk
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
