Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
