i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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