Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
