Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
